New Beginnings

I have been sick for an entire week.  I'm NEVER sick for more than a few days at a time and a rarely miss work.  I guess that's why it took me finally coughing so hard that I separated my ribs to get me to let Jacob take me in to urgent care yesterday.  I have atypical pneumonia, which means I'm coughing like crazy, but it'd a dry (uncomfortable) cough with minimal secretions.  But thanks to my rib injury that finally made me surrender and admit I couldn't fix this on my own, they gave me some wonderful medications and I can now peel myself off the couch and get something done. Today has been the first day I've felt well since this all started last Sunday.  The combination of steroids, antibiotics, pain, and cough medicines worked almost immediately. 

This morning I had an appointment with my therapist.  For the longest time I have been seeing a therapist (and during the times that I wasn't actively working with a therapist, I should have been).  For years I've battled with depression, anxiety, ADHD, and some self esteem issues (related to the above mentioned issues).  I had finally come to the conclusion that I would always require mental health counseling in some capacity indefinitely.  Today, I "graduated", as I like to call it.  I left the office without scheduling a follow up appointment.  I will now be seen on an "as needed" basis.  Before this, I had started going on a monthly basis, as opposed to weekly and bi-weekly.  I had done this once before, but ended up overwhelmed by the time the month was over.  This time was different.  I can't remember the last melt down I've had.  I've been overwhelmed and stressed out but I've been able to cope.  I've learned to somehow forgive myself for not being perfect all the time.  I've started to acknowledge how much I have on my plate and though I can't do everything, what I do accomplish is amazing.  I am a wonderful mom, despite my imperfections.  I do everything for them out of love.  I know that no one in the history of parenting has ever loved their children as much as I love mine.  My boys aren't perfect, but they are truly good kids and I raised them to be who they are.

Last week, Jacob found out that he passed his exit exam, all five sections, on the first try.  After he completes the last two classes he is in, he will have his bachelors degree.  He will start his new position at work, leading drug and alcohol rehab groups independently.  He is absolutely amazing at what he does (as I knew he would be.).  He enjoys it and his clients love him.  Tomorrow he leaves for his first conference.  He'll be out of town for three nights.  This is the longest we've ever been apart.

I feel really good all the way around today.  I'm recovering from this pneumonia crap and learning to cope better mentally and emotionally with life in general.  We are starting to see some results from all our hard work, me working full time and hating it while Jacob busts his butt to go to school and work.  Life has been so overwhelming that it had become difficult to see an end to our struggles.  I'm planning on making our time apart this week productive.  I'm stressed about him being away from me, since he grounds me and keeps me sane.  But I'm always complaining that I don't have any me time.  I want to take this time to get organized and set some goals.  Its time to eliminate some of the clutter (literally and metaphorically speaking) and create some good habits.  Its time for some new beginnings.

Connections

I cannot even begin to explain how it makes me feel when Zak willingly interacts with someone new.  Being on the autism spectrum, he couldn't care less about carrying on small talk.

This afternoon, I took all 3 boys to Hobby Lobby for craft supplies.  Zak was wearing a shirt with a symbol on the front.  The young guy working in the frame department acknowledged it and Zak started having a short conversation about Zelda with him (and apparently I'm an idiot for not knowing it was from Zelda *duh mom*).  It makes me so grateful that my boys are so into "nerdy", "geeky" stuff.  As my brother and I were discussing last night over the phone, he said (in not as many words) people who are different are extremely excepting of others who are different.

     I am so in love with how unique my children are.  On a similar note, while clothes shopping earlier today, all of my boys (hubby included) picked out bow ties.  Jacob and Bruce picked out pre-tied bow ties.  Zak and Dameon got on YouTube and learned how to tie their own.

How Bizarre

I've decided that when the next leap year rolls around, I should probably request the day off.  The entire day had a weird vibe, beginning with thunderstorms, tornadoes and a school delay and ending with multiple call-ins at work and strange happens with the patients.  At one point in the afternoon, I entered Zak and Dameon's bedroom and they were both engrossed in a book, which is beautiful to me but out of character. 

I find myself with the house to myself this morning (a rarity).  I rolled out my yoga mat to wind down after a long night.  Grateful for the opportunity for some yoga practice.  Even more grateful for boys that are turning into readers and deciding to read on their own.  So glad that all three of my boys share my love for books and literature.

Changing in Public

The whole purpose of my attempt to blog is accountability.  If I decide that I want to make a change or create a habit,  I could just simply keep that to myself and see what comes of it.  If I post these thoughts publicly  (as though anyone has, or ever will read my ramblings),  I'll feel somewhat obligated to follow through.  It also allows me to track my progress over time.  I get so easily overwhelmed with day to day life.  Often I don't notice that, despite how rough things can get, I am moving in the right direction.

Currently, I'm trying to shift my focus to the positive.  As simplistic as it sounds, it helps me in my other goals.  When I don't get to run three times a week,  I try to recognize that I at least ran once or twice, which is something and more than I did before I set my goal to do that.  I'm not saying that I will never be negative and go on an angry rant, because we all have bad days.  I'm just trying to make a conscious effort to notice and appreciate the little things.  This is easier said than done sometimes.  I've been writing something positive in my planner on every date.  Notice that I did not say that I write something every day.  I have yet to create the habit of actually making time everyday to sit down and think about what I'm thankful for, which is my ultimate goal.  Until then, I allow myself to play catch up and document a few days at a time when necessary.

I encounter so much negativity throughout my day.  Negativity is so draining.  The simple act of reflecting on at least one positive thing a day makes an amazing difference in perspective.  When I can think of one positive thing, it generally cascades into a list of things that I'm grateful for.  There will always be things that we don't have, but when you sit back and do inventory, it's incredible what we actually do have.

"He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has." - Epictetus

Today, I'm grateful for the ability to find the positive.

Loose Change

My current problem with change is the fact that the changes I want and need the most are the ones I have the least control over.  These much needed changes (which will be discussed when I'm prepared to tackle that potential disappointment) have been the focus of most of my energy since I initiated them.  I'm trying to step back and realize that this is wasted energy.  All I can do at this point is wait.  I hate waiting. (Maybe next year, I can focus on patience.)  I have to turn my attention to changes I can make independently.

Changes

I don't make New Year Resolutions.  Never have.  I actually don't like doing anything just because it's expected or everyone else is doing it.  Despite my disdain for this annual ritual, I still realize the importance of making changes, evolving.  In the past, I've tried different approaches to my New Year "Anti-Resolution".  I feel like traditional resolutions don't work because they are too generic, for example, the ever popular "loose weight" resolution.  One year, Jacob and I both decided to give up sodas. (How's that for specific?)  We still rarely drink sodas (I didn't drink any sodas last year).  Last year, rather than a specific goal, I chose a word.  This was inspired by a morning radio show I heard while channel surfing through the FM stations on my way home from work.  My word was "peace".  I'm a very stressed out, high-strung girl most of the time so I found this to be an appropriate choice for me.  I tried to focus on my word when making decisions.  I even used it as an affirmation.  I need peace in my life and I want to project peace onto those I come into contact with throughout my day.  I plan to continue to carry last years word into this year, as it still remains relevant.

This year, I'm choosing another word, almost a theme rather than a word.  My word for 2012 is "change".  It may sound hypocritically generic, but I found it appropriate at this point in my life. 

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  -Albert Einstein

I need some new "results" in my life so its time to so things differently this year and see what happens.